I’m a kook. It’s OK. Really. So many people have made it clear to me that I’m a mad racist, homophobe, sexist that I have come to accept – no – embrace my insanity. And having embraced my madness has had the surprising result of setting me completely free. I can say practically anything without having to worry about what people will think. What’s more I can say it without having to put forward the smallest scrap of fact or evidence to back up whatever I am asserting. In short I now have the same freedom to speak uncensored as the Left has had for the last 40 years.
In honor of my new found freedom I now intend to spend all of this day on crazy theories and conspiracies. And what better subject is there to start with than the hottest “news” item of the week; Anna Nicole Smith?
THE ANS MYSTERY: There are four significant questions surrounding the last year of Anna’s life:
1. Who is the father of her child?
2. Why did her son kill himself in front of his mother?
3. Why did she finally take her own life?
4. Why the hell does anyone care?
The answer to the first three is a bit on the nutty side but I see in the blog-o-sphere this morning that I am not the first to suggest it.
[1] The father of the child is none other than Nicole’s own son, Daniel. Thus the baby’s name, Danni.
[2] The young man killed himself because he was messed up by oedipal abuse.
[3] She killed herself because the paternity results were to be released within a few days.
[4] People care because the average intelligence of people is highly overrated. I actually heard one talking head say, “She may be our new Princess Di.” This statement caused me to pull out great clumps of my hair and to run around bouncing off my padded walls until I collapsed from exhaustion. But I’m all better now.
BILL CLINTON’S 2000 CAMP DAVID SUMMIT: With Bill’s presidential reign soon coming to an end he desperately wanted to come up with some sort of an event that would make his otherwise ordinary term seem more significant. Lacking the marvelous imagination that the media constantly attributes to him even to this day the best idea he could think up was a repeat of what Jimmuh Cahtuh had done while he was in office. So Bill got on the horn to Ehud Barak, leader of Israel, and Yasser Arafat, leader of the Palestinian terrorist group PLO and offered them millions – perhaps billions – of your tax dollars to come to Camp David to discuss peace.
I’m kidding about the peace part of course. The whole thing was strictly a photo op for Bill. Sadly we are never going to get even a hint of how much of your money he put up to get these patsies to shake one another’s hands.
As a confirmed conspiracy nut I don’t have to offer any evidence to back up this theory but I will give you this. When the “Big Three”; Bill, Ehud and Yasser were about to enter the pow wow lodge to smoke the peace pipe the press was, naturally, following them in force. So I know that there exists a priceless bit of tape somewhere that proves the complete phoniness of this entire charade. And I’ve seen it, too. But it never became the big story that it should have and I haven’t seen the tape since. It did not become a big story at the time because the Right was still wearing its media gag. If it had happened today we’d be laughing for the next two months. Let me describe it for you.
As I recall Clinton stepped into the lodge first – symbolizing his leadership role. This left Ehud and Yasser standing side by side making the universal gesture for “you first” – and – “no, you first.” These gestures were made by both parties a couple of times when suddenly Ehud just shoved Yasser through the door. The look on Yasser’s face will never leave my mind. It was priceless and I hope someday someone will find it and play it for me again.
JIMMY CARTER’S STRANGE SUPPORT FOR ISLAMIC TERRORISM: Jimmuh has no doubt lost his mind. What pushed him over the edge is a matter of debate. I see three possibilities:
1. He has entered his dotage. He’s simply headed for senility and it is manifesting itself in this unusual form of dementia.
2. Guilt, with a dash of vengeance. For 444 days he did nothing useful to secure the freedom of our American hostages in Iran. The guilt of it may have pushed him beyond his ability to cope. This guilt carries with it a measure of anger directed against all who have pointed out his impotency in that crisis.
3. The Stockholm syndrome. For the 444 days that the hostages were being held in Iran, Jimmuh was just as much a captive of the terrorists as the actual captives were. Therefore, just as in the case Patty Hurst, Jimmuh came to empathize with the cause of his captors and has taken an active role in their fight.
Personally I believe it’s a combination of all three. But whatever it is someone needs to get that man to a shrink.
BORDER AGENTS SENTENCED TO DEATH: Now you might be under the illusion that the border agents were just sentenced to twenty or so years in prison and technically that’s true. But when one of them was “accidentally” left exposed to the “general” (read “Mexican”) prison population it became apparent that these guys were not intended to survive 20 days in prison. The question everyone wants answered is why two guys who were doing their duty to protect our borders were thrown in the slammer and left to die.
In the Right wing media these agents are generally still assumed to be innocent of any real crime. And, in fact, there seems to have been no real crime charged by the prosecution. Arizona appears to have sentenced these guys to death for some failure to complete their paperwork. This obviously this cannot be the true cause of their imprisonment and trial.
The Left media’s reaction has been to completely ignore this clear miscarriage of justice. That in itself should tell you that this conspiracy is deep, ugly and probably involves the loss of not only the rights of these two border agents but the undermining of all of our personal rights.
As to the reason for the apparent cruel and unusual punishment laid upon these officers I see two rather murky possibilities:
1. These agents were committing crimes against smugglers of humans and drugs that our government could not prove and so chose to prosecute them on bogus charges.
2. State and Federal government will not openly state the charges laid on these men because their crimes are an embarrassment to them.
In either case the government has violated the constitution and when the real charges are learned we will all be made aware that government at all levels has altogether cut loose its bonds to the constitution.
ALGORE AND GLOBAL WARMING: One wonders what motivates Algore in his global warming campaign. Does he see it as his springboard to the White House? Does he get some sick pleasure out of terrifying children all over the planet? Or is it possible that he doesn’t know how to swim and is inspired by his own fear of drowning?
Actually I don’t believe it is any of those things. I believe Al is suffering from exactly the same kind of God-complex that every mad cult leader has suffered from. I’m not joking about this one. Algore is a cult leader with a God-complex. All of the indications are openly visible. They are:
1. Believing in global warming is strictly an act of faith. There is no evidence what-so-ever that man is causing earth’s temperature to increase or that a natural increase in temperature is harmful.
2. Algore actually believes his own delusion and is in the process of writing its Bible.
3. Failure to heed Algore’s warnings will result in the end of the world.
4. Faith in this religion is blind and absolute. It is impervious to fact or common sense. Its followers are incapable of hearing any words of opposition.
Al may have started this assault believing it would lead him to the White House. He may still believe it. But he has now entered the secondary stage of the typical cult leader. He is beginning to see himself as God.
I throw these theories out just for fun and hopefully for a little bit of enlightenment. None of them actually qualify me as a conspiracy nut. But that is not to say that I am not off the wall. I do have one theory that should remove all doubt from your mind that I’ve gone ‘round the bend. I’ll put this one out especially for Michael Medved how absolutely denies that alien visitation is real and that those who believe it are wacked:
Did you know that almost these exact words appear in the ancient Hebrew Bible:
“We are ready to beam up. Our mission here is complete.”
I don’t really want everyone to say I’m nuts, so if you want this story go to “contact writer” (above) and I’ll find a way to get it to those of you who really want it. It may take me a day or two to get it written.
22 comments on Conspiracy Theory Day
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Wow, we agree on something..[OHMY][LOL] peace man!
As for the first, though, I must add this: I am not the father of that woman's child.
Late breakng news!!!! The Florida authorities read your piece on that woman and have gone to court for an exhumation order to retrieve the remains of Danny Boy. To quote you, "Stay tuned."
BTW I googled the Marlboro system and got nothing. I googled the Martingale system and got tons. Were you putting us on?
If you like gambling systems I'd be glad to give you one you can test out on your computer sans cash. It actually works and I'll swear to it.
I join you in celebrating your insanity. Keep up the good work.[SMILE]
Jimmy Carter is another case, I think that Jimmy Carter was a frustrated President who did nothing and decided to take his anger out by writing a book.
Al Gore [in my opinion] has a Superman Complex. Who knows maybe he saw Superman [with Christopher Reeves] in 1977 and the rest is history.
Bill Clinton and Camp David. I think he just wanted to have a party. I don't know.
Border Agents: I heard about Border Agents who were sentenced because they were doing their job. The Government prefers to hear the testimony of an undocumented person smuggler than their own agents.
This was not a conspiracy theory, its just my way of brainstorming. I still think that there are some solutions.
1. Contract those who do not want to work: Delinquents, Drug Addicts, Prisoners and make them do meaningful work [ones that have been done by undocumented workers]. This would eliminate the need to have undocumented workers.
2. Elect more responsable judges and politicians.
3. Send Jimmy Carter [as a private citizen] to live in an Islamic Country and see if he feels the same after his experience.
4. We should believe and support our Border Agents. We should also be responsable for patrolling our borders if the government cannot do it [This may sound extreme but with Latin America voting in demagogues this is the only brainstorming idea I could think of].
5. Al Gore should be examined by Psychiatrists to examine this delusion of being Superman and/or God. It reminds me of Mexican Singer Lupita D Alessio saying that she wants a man that is "like Jesus Christ" [her quotes not mine]. There is a Psychiatric Symptom called Delusions of Grandeur and is present in SCPT [Schizophrenia Chronic Paranoid Type]. Feel free to look it up in any book on Psychiatry.
Your attack on Carter and Gore adds no substance to anyobne's understanding.
[THUMBDOWN]
Jenn
Our first job as bloggers is to provoke thought and comment.
Truth-seeking pundits are as boring as the corrupt functionaries who bribe them.
Both Anna and her son were old enough to know what they were doing. Brothers and sisters in the royal family of Bhutan regularly have sexual relations. If it weren't for incest, the Jews would have become extinct centuries ago. Keep the faith.[THUMBUP]
Re: Al Gore as cult leader - I had never thought of it that way and you know what, it does fit! Also, Al Gore as superman (as suggested by others) gave me pause. Wasn't that was Hitler and the Nazi party were all about - the übermensch? (Although that idea as posed by Nietzche was bastardized by the Nazi's, but I digress.) Just tossing another possible conspiracy theory out there. "Ve take ova da vurld as ve ban your SUV!!!" (I imagine the enigmatic Frau Blucher of "Young Frankenstein" fame saying this with the obligatory horse neighing in the background. Hm, I can also imagine her saying about Al Gore, "He vas my BOYFRIEND!") [WINK]
Sorry, Friday afternoon and I'm giddy.[BLUSH]
Naziism, as you may know, was also a form of religion with Hitler acting the role of God. An important point of comparison between Hitler and Gore is the megalominia that drove Hitler and drives Algore. Both were determined to redeem themselves for their failures and appealed to their followers own sense of failure to motivate their activism, i.e. WW I in the case of the German people and the imagined sins we've commited against our environment in the U.S.
Perhaps you might wish to think with both sides of your brain, since our brains have two hemispheres, you might benefit from using both the right and the left side, for a change.[LOL][HEART]